My Stepdad's Not Mean, He's Just Adjusting
My wife and I were bored the other night and decided to pull out an old DVD (I suppose in a broader sense, DVD's in general are old these days). After 20 minutes of deliberation, we finally settled on Death to Smoochy staring Edward Norton, Robin Williams, Catherine Keneer, Jon Stewart and Danny DeVito (who also directed it). If you've never seen Smoochy, it's a dark, farcical comedy about the kids entertainment industry (but it's NOT a kids movie).
In one of these scenes Norton sings the song, "My Stepdad's Not Mean, He's Just Adjusting," which I totally forgot about. Ash and I rolled on the floor for another 20 minutes, laughing till our guts ached. What made it so funny, aside from the subject of the lyrics, was how the message directly related to me.
I wish I could say that I was immune to the frustration in adjusting to my role of stepdad (which ironically coincided with me also losing my job), but I wasn't. There were a lot of moments when the girls thought, "This guy's a nut-case." Thankfully, I made it to the other side, and being a SAHD turned out to be the situation that helped us all through that transition--that and a sense of humor, which when Sugar Milk hits stores (it's about to go into production, so not much longer now), you'll see a lot of examples of this.
Kind of like the song.
There's quite a lot I've learned about being a step-dad, enough to start sharing more of it with others. The article link below is something I've written on how to deal with the other dads in your kids' life. If you like it, I'd ask that you please forward it around to others who you may feel it would benefit. Thanks.
Dad in the Middle: A Stepfather's Strategy for Co-Parenting with the Biological Father
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23 comments:
I really enjoyed reading your article on step-parenting.
Got any advice regarding an 18 year old girl and a 57 year old man who hate each other and Mom is stuck firmly in the middle, being forced to choose?
As always, bravo! I expect an invitation to the fab launch party of your book by the way (eh-hem!). My hubby is a stepdad...I grew up with step mothers..3 to be exact, one was horrid, horrid, horrid. So, when it comes to step-parents in general I was very fearful as a single mom to what I knew could be a tormenting experience for my child. We both lucked out. He loves his step dad...enough to skip the step...and call him dad. This article is so awesome, and I will pass on. Ur family is lucky to have u, in more ways then one dads like u are not easy for a kid to come by. Great post!
Thanks. I'm sorry for your experience; that sort of scenario worries me when I think of my boys. It's all too common. It's wonderful to hear that your husband is such a great (step)dad. I hate that we all get a bad rep sometimes from all the negativity in the news. Thanks again for the comment, for sharing your situation and for reading the article. And about the launch party (eh-hem)... more to follow. =-)
Co-parenting is probably the most difficult situation I have ever encountered. You take pride in being a parent, and try like you have never tried before to do the right thing, make the right decision, be the best you can be, yet, your version of right, your version of best may differ drastically from the biological parent of that little person you are trying your best to teach. It is difficult to step back when your opinion on the right course is different from the mom and the dad. When parents are together, arguing over the "right" thing, be it discipline, age appropriate whatever is part of just raising your children. When you add in additional parents, emotions that have nothing to do with child welfare things can go terribly wrong, even with the best of intentions at heart. Sometimes, when you would ordinarily compromise with your spouse, because there is give and take, and somethings just are worth fighting over, especially when the person you love feels so strongly about it, but now you face your spouse and the person with whom they had children, you fight for your version of right. When you stand back it seems silly, yet there you are fighting about things you would never fight so furiously about, ever.
*sigh* *another sigh* The joys and sorrows of step-parenting.
Great article.
Being a step father has been the hardest job of my life. First it came with accusations that I might have been sexually abusing my son. This was coming from his dad and dad's parents. This stemmed from the fact that my son ENJOYED being with me. He would speak praises about me when his mom and I got together.
I try to keep an open line of communication with his father, because you have too. We're going to be in each other's lives forever. Graduations, wedding, grandkids.
I feel he is threatened and jealous of the relationship I have with his son.
he doesn't call his son out of the blue to see what's going on. he also doesn't treat him the same way he treats his other sons.
My son still thinks that his father's crap doesn't stink. He has an excuse for anything his father does or doesn't do.
We're hold to a different standard that his father. If we can't do something he gets mad at us, but we suggest that he ask his father he doesn't because he's already doing something.
He wants all the perks of being our kid but not the responsibility. And he has no responsibility on his dads weekends and gets all the perks.
Sounds like you are doing what you need to do to make it all work. Time is the one thing that we can't rush.
That was a great article Ron. I can't imagine how difficult it is to be a step parent. I barely know how I want to parent my own children. For me it would be incredibly difficult to separate the emotional side of things in any conversation. I probably would have booked my plane tickets and been at the airport before I caught my breath.
oh, god. That's so funny. I've never seen the movie, and I actually don't ever think I've seen a review of it; I had no idea what it was about. Hmmm. "What are the magic number?" "911!" HAHAHAHHA. Hope that never happens to you.
I thought I was the only person who loved Death To Smoochy. One of Ed Norton's best ;)
I can't imagine the sticky wicket that comes from step-parenting. I'll pass this on!
(p.s. I've never seen "Death to Smootchy". not sure if I want to, based on the clip. hahahahaha)
I've never seen that one, thanks for posting it.
My stepdad saved our lives. He became my confidant and my safe place to land when things were rough. I salute you.
that was so funny! I'd NEVER seen it.
You said a mouthful... all of which I can't agree with more. There's so much to work through--the kids, the other parent, your spouse. It's like trying to work through the UN to resolve a multinational conflict. Thanks for sharing this.
This is a rough set of circumstances, and my hats off to you for working through them. You're a helluva dad. Sometimes there's nothing you can do, and it comes down to just being aware of the issues and being ready to deal with them.
Thanks for sharing all this with us.
You are so right about that. Thanks, Jack.
Thanks, PJ. I make it sound easy, but you're right, it's not. (I have a secret stash just for a ER trip at a moments notice.)
It came out in '02, but I'm sure you'd like the movie, Keith.
He's under-rated, that's for sure!
Thanks, Melisa. Yeah, the clip says it all.
It's from 2002, but definitely your sense of humor.
Thank you, Chief. And I salute your stepdad for making that kind of impact on you and your family.
You'd love it. Totally your sense of humor.
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