Oh (No) Canada!

I'm very happy for the citizens of Canada and their health care system. In fact, I have to admit, I'm actually a little jealous. It's like the neighbor kid next door enjoying a new PlayStation 3, while you're stuck rigging up an old Atari system belonging to your Great Uncle Pete, and the only game that works is Combat.

The fact you don't have to worry about how to take care of your medical bills has obviously made you and even kinder people, given your concern for my little problem with erectile dysfunction, and your earnest desire to save my marriage by helping me satisfy Lois Lane in the bedroom.

I actually don't mind the 57 emails I receive daily, offering numerous medical options to remedy my situation. Not only do I feel they are sincere, but there's also a degree of comfort I take knowing at least one government in this big old world cares about me. The simple senitment is reassuring.

It almost makes me feel bad about those several years I spent stationed on your border while at Ft Drum, New York, defending these great 57 states against the threat you impose. Officially, I was told that remote outpost was built by politicians as a means of bolstering the anemic local economy, but that couldn't have been the case. With what soldiers are paid these days, how could they buy anything more than basic necessities still needed after they've used up all their food stamps. Plus, they're never around anyway, too busy bolstering someone else's economy half a world away. At least it's not in vain since they're keeping oil safe and affordable.

No, I'm telling you I wasn't stationed within viewing distance of your swell country to keep the blue-collar citizens of rural, upstate New York from shooting each other with hunting rifles in a fight over the last job opening as a greeter at WalMart. I was there to prevent the infiltration of your message of universal health care from destroying the US of A. Eh? (sorry, shameless stereotyping - it's what we do in America)

Thankfully, the Internet has no borders, and it's to your credit you've developed the technical savvy needed to bombard my inbox with messages of hope for my wrinkled little soldier that he may proudly stand at attention once again. Yes, you've managed to break through with a wealth of information despite my loading every SPAM filter I could onto my Commodore 64.

It's a delight to find a picture such as this waiting for my viewing pleasure, relieving for a moment, the frustration I feel in searching for a suitable place of employment necessary to pay for such an incredible, low-cost offer.

I have to say, the picture alone gives me a great deal of confidence in the quality of your products as the mere sight of such an advertisement brings something of a slight tingle to my unmentionable region, if you know what I mean. How did you know I have "a thing" for tiny fairies scantily dressed as cheerleaders who ride around on gi-normously sized pills? (Caution, dear readers. Unless you have protection for your cursor - a cursor condum if you will - avoid running it directly over the picture as their is a possible risk of it contracting chlamydia, which is very expensive to treat... or so I've been told)

It's a wonder our North American friends in Mexico haven't joined you in this endeavor. What with all the drugs they already cross our boarder with, you'd think they'd at least use their experience to employ better marketing. Then again, maybe they are just bringing us free samples to start off with. Still, for a country that's hosted the filming of so many memorable Girls Gone Wild videos, not to mention being famous for a certain PETA-endorsed, show in Tijuana, I'm a little disappointed. But I understand. Forging Social Security Cards to work jobs apathetic Americans wouldn't consider doing requires a great deal of attention.

Come to think of it, I'm disappointed with China too. They went to such lengths impressing the world with pretty girls who look good singing without singing at all, but they can't make an effort to bring harmony to my libido? The least they could do is be grateful for allowing them to gobble up so much of the planet's resources, including the oxygen required to keep eight bazillion people alive and employed making 99% of what I put on layaway at the Dollar Store. I wouldn't discriminate against a nymph of Chinese descent perched provocatively atop over-sized medication. I realize you're country is hard at work killing the world's children with lead paint and tainted milk, but why not export sexual enhancement, instead. It would seem your populace has mastered it.

Oh Canada, I have to say oh no. Just because I haven't found the courage to accept your generous offers, there's no need to resort to scaring me with these types of ads. You catch more flies with honey, as the saying goes, or in this case, with pill-riding hotties.

If you've learned nothing from this land that I love, and her fruited plains, take notice, and refrain from out-sourcing your copy writing needs to death merchants in Pakistan. Just because the removal of one's testicles (Holy Crap! Did you see the size of that freakin' knife?) may be an effective marketing strategy in their native country, doesn't mean it will make untold millions by using it here. Please, stick to your original work. I need the distraction from writing meaningful articles people will enjoy enough to pay for.

P.S. To my Canadian readers, of whom there are many, I meant no disrespect in my commentary, and I hope you see where this was really directed. Thank you for reading the drivel bore from a combination of my ADD meds (I'm getting low by the way - hint, hint) and three cups of coffee.

P.P.S. To the citizens of Mexico and China of which I have no readers, subscribe to this blog immediately and I'll tone down what I've just said.

P.P.P.S. Okay, here's the deal, mow my lawn and send me a few Health Inspector Barbies and I'll delete the whole damn thing. Deal?

Note: The author does not suffer from ED or any other problems affecting, well, "down there." Neither did he contract chlamydia in the editing of any photos posted here. He totally swears on it. Really.