Naked!

One of the (many) new issues I have to deal with given I now have two little girls in my life, is the nudity factor. For my boys nakedness doesn't seem to be a big deal as rough-housing is a clothing-optional activity. A good case in point would be the time I hosted a sleep-over for the boys and their cousins Mattie and Vinnie. The next morning, after telling the boys to change into play clothes, I came upstairs to fine Noah and Harrison running around butt-ass naked, shooting pretend pistols with one hand and holding their private parts with the other. Mattie, the lone female, who's not quite a year younger than Noah, stood there with her hands over her mouth doing her best to stifle the giggling. My little nudists, on the other hand, were completely oblivious to the little, 7 year-old, Jane Goodall observing their primate activity from her vantage point in the corner of the room.

Allie and Avery, thankfully do not exhibit the same inhibitions. This is a huge relief for me as a stay-at home dad and new step-father with a huge sensitivity to that whole "creepy" factor. After taking baths, changing for school, or putting on PJ's the girls vocally announce they are getting naked, so I should consider myself warned and as such, should maintain my distance. I, of course, am eager to comply, and go out of my way to ensure they know I am taking a trip to Dubai for a pack of smokes or some lemon fresh Lysol.

Despite my best efforts to avoid any and all situations that could possibly lead any nakedness, an encounter was bound to be inevitable, and a few weeks ago it happened. During our regular get-ready-for-school, morning routine. I could hear a muffled ruckus going on downstairs where the girls were supposed to be getting their clothes on after breakfast. I called down to see if everything was ok, to which Allie hesitated, and then answered Avery "had gotten pee on a few things."

Her answer somewhat confounded me, as I had a hard time believing that Avery, who had not twenty minutes ago, proudly announced to me how she had "stayed dry" last night to the great delight of the Disney Princesses that adorned her pull-ups. She's 99% potty trained, so certainly there was no need to worry over the validity of her sister's claims, right? Wrong.

I went down the stairs, and slowly pushed open the door, not sure of what I would find. There, straddling a puddle of urine stood a completely naked Avery. We both looked down at the floor and then at each other, unsure of which ice-breaker would be appropriate for the moment.

"It just cames outta me," Avery finally said. "I don't know why, but its did."

I said nothing and executed a "parental immediate reaction drill," grabbing a towel to sop up piss, and then digging out a dry set of girl's underware. Naturally, she had trouble putting on the High School Musical pair I handed her, so I awkwardly helped her untangle the the stupid things and pulled them on her. Good grief! You really can't be angry at stuff like that; you just stay calm, do what you have to and make a vow that the both of you will never speak of this ever as God as our witness.

The only thing that did annoy me to a certain degree was Allie, sitting on the bed watching and giggling through the whole incident. I thought it somewhat insensitive on her part to be laughing in ridicule at her younger sister's misfortune.

"This isn't very funny, Allie." I tried to convey a tone that flected how inappropriate I thought her actions to be, but Allie wasn't taking the hint.

Through her giggles she managed to exclaim, "You saw Avery's booty!" The observation was quickly followed by both girls let out, in unison, one big long, "Ewwwwwwww!"

Nice.

It wasn't but a few days later that incident number two occurred. There's a well-established child-rearing statute known as the "Law of Parental-Distraction and Child-Appendage Amputation" which dictates when a parent decides to take a shower, make a phone call or answer the grumblings of an angry man-urge, children respond by attempting to cut off some part of their body, or at least, make themselves bleed.

Normally, I try to get my shower out of the way before the kids wake up, but for some reason I was running slow on this particular morning and had to clean up while the girls waited for me. All was fine and good until I turned off the water and heard a horrible scream of pain. I barely got the towel wrapped around me when Allie starting beating on the door. "Avery hurt her finger real bad!"

I opened the door and Allie moved out of the way to reveal a sobbing Avery who was holding her hand. I immediately examined the finger, which had been pinched in the doorway of my closet. Thankfully, it was fine. Apparently, the girls intended to hide in the closet with the hope of scaring me when I got dressed, but Allie accidentally closed the door before Avery could remove her hand, thus catching the tiny pinky digit in door jam.

It was obvious Avery was in a great deal of pain, and it took several minutes to get her calmed down, however, through the whole ordeal I had to keep adjusting my towel to ensure it would stay on while Avery sat in my lap. It was bad enough to have a child in pain, but to be dripping all over and then to almost have my "nuggets" exposed because my towel came undone would not help the situation.

Finally, I did get her to a manageable state with the promise of a band-aid. As I dug through the drawer to find one, I realized Allie, just like before, had been giggling the whole time.

"Allie, I know it was an accident, but you could've cut your sister's finger off." I was hoping the dramatic visual of her sister's dream to being a nine-fingered concert pianist going up in smoke would snap Allie back to reality. Apparently this was not to be, as through the giggles, Allie pointed at me and shouted, "I saw your booty!" to which both girls simultaneously sang out, "Ewwwwww!" At least we're both even, right?

And the issue isn't limited to just Allie and Avery. Yesterday when Ashley came home form work she went into the bedroom to change out of her business attire. As is their custom (and a normal female instinct passed down through years of supposed evolution), the girls followed their mother down the stairs, chatting away about their day as they walked. Several minutes latter Avery called for me and I went down stairs and peeked into the bedroom in response to her beckon call (cause that's what I do). The girls were girls surrounding Ashlely as she was pulling off her bra.

"Now you're married, so now you can see mommy naked," Allie informed me.

Ashley and I exchanged a few giggles over the astute moral commentary from the point of viewof a six year old. I then walked out of the room to allow Ash some privacy, and Avery followed me out the door motioneding for me to bend down so I could hear her.

"You and mommy gots to take a shower together cause that's what you do when you gets married." I can assure you we will do nothing to dissuade the girls' perceptions of nudity or marriage anytime in the next 42 years, but I think the joint-shower concept is not going to work for us anytime soon as lord only knows what could happen. Whatever it is, all I do know is I don't want to find out about it while being naked.